Gridlock is nothing new in Toronto - for decades, residents have argued whether it can be solved by either increasing or decreasing the city’s dependence on automobile transportation. Framed “the war on cars,” this week Doug Ford’s government seemingly ordered a preemptive strike.
On Tuesday, Doug Ford’s Minister of Transportation - and cookie mogul - Kyla Ford announced the Progressive Conservatives' plan to tackle traffic at what she argues is its root cause: the bike lanes.
When questioned on the proposal, Kyla Ford remarked, “I hate bike lanes. My mom hates bike lanes. Even masochistic cyclists hate the bike lanes. So it just makes sense to replace them with something everyone loves! We considered a lot of different possibilities. Among them were micro-micro breweries that brew $0.25 beers. Another option was to make them moats for the roads to keep the cars extra safe from these rabid cyclists. We eventually landed on repeating rows of 2’ x 4’ luxury spas and science centers”
The spas are being built in partnership with Mongolian firm Thorme Ltd., and has an expected budget of $5.9x10^13 over the course of 0.01 galactic years. “Another thing we’re really proud of has been our recent shift to non-standard units. These kinds of smart decisions save the Ontario taxpayer millions of Venezuelan Bolívars every olympiad!”
Alongside this proposal, Ford announced his plans to additionally repurchase Highway 407, demolish it, and build “a world-class floating park with a cinesphere,” dubbing it “Ontario Palace.” “We’re bringing common sense back”
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