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Freshmen Informed Communal Shower Does Not Require Them to Shower Together

Two first-year residents of Rowell Jackman Hall have been notified that the communal-style living on offer in Victoria College residences does not, in fact, “force students to bathe together.”


The news came as a shock to James Lanowski and Dale Ferguson, who, through their six months of cohabitation, had taken more than 100 showers as a pair.


“It’s… surprising,” said Lanowski slowly, as he stared into a large, nourishing bowl of Balkan yoghurt in Burwash Dining Hall.


“The don asked to have a meeting with me and D-dog. I thought we were getting busted for stealing oatmeal raisin cookies from Ned’s again. Then I’m told, despite... you know... what the word ‘communal’ means and all that… that I didn’t need to, ultimately, survey the fleshy contours of my best bud’s form every time I needed to rinse.”


“It’s a weight off my shoulders,” Lanowski admitted.


Ferguson experienced similar consternation following the revelation that he did not need to engage in tandem taint washing. “I just think the whole bathroom situation is sort of deceptive here. It’s not just the showers. For example, look at this urinal,” Ferguson said, gesturing to the sink. “Now, why would they have that there if they didn’t want me to bleed my snake while J-Bomb cracks his cheeks on the shitter?”


Although the pair are looking forward to greater privacy, Ferguson admitted that the change will be bittersweet. “I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t miss our routine. Stuff like the body-wash fights, Graeco-Roman wrestling, watching water trickle through the supple valley in the small of a man’s back.” Ferguson paused and took a long, mindful sip from his can of Four Loko.


“But, hey,” he continued, “at least I won’t have to apply James’s prescription ‘bacne’ cream anymore.”

Photo Credit: Spencer Gilbert

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