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  • Patrick Fraser

Friend Cites Yoga, Heroin for Successful Dry January



Recent guidelines suggest that Canadians should have no more than two alcoholic drinks per week. The recommendation comes in the middle of “dry January,” a New Year’s tradition where adherents abstain from alcohol for the month.


“Dry January is something I decided to do this year,” third-year journalism student Pierre Clark shrugged. “How hard could it be?” Clark has been sober since the early hours of January 1 and has noticed positive effects: “I feel really alert. I’m never hungover now. As well, I’m saving money. Petty Cash, King Taps, and Supermarket aren’t cheap, you know.”


Clark admitted that his daily habits and routine look different since he has been sober. “I’ve also picked up a 6:00 am yoga class to help my body,” he pointed out. “Between that and heroin, I’m a new man. I think I’ll do ‘dry February’ too. Drinking alcohol is so 2022 it’s not even funny anymore.”


Clark’s friends reported that he has not had alcohol but his yoga and heroin habit have become cornerstones of his personality. They also told The Boundary that he has picked up a sugar dependency, vaping, and started microdosing on melatonin to help make it through dry January.


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