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  • Jonah Wineberg

Generation in Peril? Degenerate 4th-Grader Caught in Possession of Toboggan

Amidst the recent Toronto ban on sledding, parents have been dreading that their children will be enticed by the illegal, perilous, and quite frankly satanic act. One fearful mother’s worst nightmare came true Tuesday evening, as Clarissa Gumble found a toboggan stashed in the backpack of her fourth-grade son, Timothy Gumble.

“I’m still beside myself that my baby boy is nothing but a common hill-seeking delinquent,” Gumble said. “I thought I taught him to enjoy safe, wholesome fun, like jumping rope or playing on the streetcar tracks.” After finding the dreadful sled, she had no choice but to turn Timothy in to the authorities. 

Gumble claims that she did not see any signs of deviant behaviour from Timothy prior to the incident, but has suspicions regarding the origins of his troubling vice. “My Timmy was getting involved with a rough crowd, I knew that those Magic: the Gathering friends of his were a bad influence,” Gumble reported. 

This recent corruption of the innocent raises concerns for the moral integrity of this young generation, and bans on the game of tag and laughing are being discussed in an effort to halt this disgusting societal degradation. Timothy will face the maximum sentencing for a tobogganing charge, which will involve a stern finger-wagging and a two-week ban on his Xbox privileges. Additionally, he will be required to attend 120 hours of rehabilitation programming at the newly constructed Olivia Chow Child Attention Facility located on Toronto Island.



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