The local Ontario groundhog, Wiarton Willie, did not see his shadow this Groundhog Day morning, ingeniously predicting an early spring. This is a remarkable feat, as surely no one else could have predicted that during a mid-winter day with spring weather.
The community was quick to commend this brilliant groundhog for his groundbreaking forecast, whose tremendous achievement managed to overshadow a local journalist’s recent development of his beatboxing skills. Maybe the office talent show prize should go to Willie since he’s so special.
Witnesses reported that Willie flashed a smug little smile near the end of the ceremony, really patting himself on the fucking back for such a remarkable achievement of not looking at his dumb shadow. Any old journalist could have predicted warm weather, but nooooo let’s give our attention to a stupid rodent instead. Dumb gluttonous fuck.