New ‘Hyper-Realistic’ Campus Tour Lets Future Students Experience Existential Dread, Angst
The University is rolling out a new tour designed to “accurately show prospective students what life at U of T is really like,” according to a news release published this weekend on its website.
Instead of the cookie-cutter tour around Hart House and King’s College Circle, the new circuit will provide prospective students with an in-depth experience of students’ lives, showcasing the existential dread that one develops by being at U of T.
Starting off in Robarts, visitors will be taken to the stacks, where they can view the extent of students’ caffeine addiction as they hack away at essays they should have begun weeks prior.
Naturally, tour groups will be asked to keep quiet so as to not awaken students from their panic-induced, cold-sweat cat-naps.
The next stop will be made at Convocation Hall, where high school students will be asked to remain seated for at least two hours.
The goal of the sitting is to expose students to the discomfort of the seats, with the idea that it is but a preamble to the pervading dismay that will take over their souls from the moment they enroll.
Visitors from early groups have commented on the tour.
“I did not like this at all,” said Alice, a prospective student from Ottawa. “Why would they organise a tour like this? And more importantly, who the hell would come to this school?”
“How…how can people spend their days in such a state?!” said another visitor between sobs.
The University is also hiring students interested in leading the groups. To be eligible as a tour guide, students must have an average sleep cycle of four hours per night and must have cried at least seven times this past semester, low barriers of entry for your average U of T student.