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  • Shiven Sai Gandhi

“It’s Not Day Drinking if it’s Dark Out” Says Eclipse-Loving Alcoholic

The coming solar eclipse has caused a great stir in Southern Ontario as well as all those near that now well-known diagonal line cutting through the continent. While most people prepared for the day by scurrying to purchase eclipse glasses and planning group trips to all kinds of odd places such as Burlington, Ontario, Kenneth Uttam, a fourth-year UofT student has alternative plans. This morning, he sauntered to the LCBO in preparation for the one-in-a-lifetime event. 


Referring to himself as the ‘final sauce-boss’, Kenneth Uttam shared his excitement for the eclipse with The Boundary correspondents. “People might get their Vitamin D today, but I’ll be too busy taking in my Vitamin G,” said Uttam as he shot-gunned a can of Guinness. “My friends tell me that I’m an alcoholic, but that’s bullshit,” exclaimed Uttam. “It’s fun and I like it so I might as well do it a bunch right?” Despite his denial, some of his close friends have been able to convince Uttam to restrict his drinking to the nighttime. “I love my friends; they end up teaching me about cool things like boundaries and limits!”

Having accepted these limits, Uttam saw an opportunity in today’s solar eclipse. “It will be dark outside right? That definitely counts as nighttime!” celebrated Uttam. “I can’t wait to darty– I mean narty today!”

Though some of Kenneth’s friends think this is a violation of his rule, others are feeling more permissive. Maxwell Zezos thinks that “we should give him this one. I already forced him to take down his ‘Saturdays Are For The Boys’ poster and delete his ‘Blackout Bruises’ photo album. Next on my list is returning some of his stolen crap that makes his place so klepto core. Lose a battle, win a war. Plus, its exam season. Cut the eclipse-loving alcoholic a break!”

The Boundary wishes our readers a happy and safe solar eclipse. Make sure to look right at the sun, or you might miss a once-in-a-lifetime event and you will regret it as long as you live.



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