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  • Jonah Wineberg

Jesus Sad No One’s in Town for His Birthday

Around the world, people born in December have suffered the pain of the late birthday. They were always the shortest in their grade and when they did that line up thing where you have to organize yourself by birthday without talking they would just sadly walk to the end of the line, dragging their feet, sometimes shedding a single tear.

The Boundary believes in the equality of December-birthday people: they should be able have cool birthday parties like the rest of us. But, while they’re getting excited to celebrate their most recent lap around the sun, filling their Pinterest boards with birthday week inspo, everybody else is heading home for winter break. One Sagittarius-Capricorn cusp is disappointed that his friends didn’t show up for his birthday this year.

Jesus Christ, a Nazareth Synagogue School graduate, was excitedly anticipating his 2057th birthday, even reserving a big ass table for all his friends. But, he ended up spending the night alone as he discovered that everybody was out of town with their families to celebrate some holiday.

“I’m not going to lie, it’s a little disappointing. But I should have known. This happens every year,” Jesus said. “I thought people would care a little more about my birthday. Guess I’ll just have to try harder next year. Or maybe move my birthday to some other month? I could be born in April.” 

Since nobody is free to celebrate, Christ has decided to spend the evening winding down with a nice cup of water-turned-wine and rewatching his favourite movie, Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties. Happy Birthday Jesus, from all of us at The Boundary.



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