Lecture-Starved Prof Secures Target
While UofT students everywhere exhaled a sigh of relief this Monday morning, the transition into a week of no classes hasn’t been a joyous occasion for all. This reading week, Professor William Wright, PhD, MEd, BFA, is teetering into his own personal hell. His heart ached for 3-5 PM on Tuesdays, 3-5 PM on Thursdays, and 9-11 AM on Fridays.
This past Saturday, November 4th, Professor Wright checked his calendar and realized, to his dismay, that he would have to endure a week without lecturing. Who would he talk at for hours each day? What would he do without the chance to spew neoliberal propaganda into the innocent minds of students everywhere? Who would he interact with? Where is his human connection now?
“Without lectures, it is as if life has no meaning. A week of pure existential hell,” Wright exclaimed. He was not ashamed to announce his disdain for the time off so beloved by students. “Not even going to the library helps anymore. I pick up something on World War Two, which usually soothes me, but it does nothing. I feel nothing.”
Wright’s day finally brightened this Tuesday afternoon. It was just past 4 PM, and Wright had been running through his slides in his mind for the past hour, idly passing through the public transit system as he made his way home from a not-quite-enjoyable trip to High Park. That's when he locked eyes with Avery Gulliver, who was commuting from work. “They were standing there, looking so bored… I just knew I had to step in.” Wright reported to The Boundary, recounting the events of the day.
Onlookers described a scared-looking Gulliver being bombarded by “a man frantically waving his hands in the air and screaming about some historical event while yelling ‘ANY QUESTIONS?!’ every few minutes.” The interaction is said to have lasted for hours, with Guilliver’s polite attempts to exit the conversation immediately rejected. When asked to reflect on the experience, Gulliver told us that they would throw up if they ever heard a fact about D-Day again.