St. Michael’s College’s famed academic integrity policy was put to use this past Tuesday as second-year student Peter Fields was caught plagiarizing on a RLG200 essay, leading to his ultimate demise.
After receiving a Turnitin similarity score of 73%, Fields was promptly marched from his dorm to the St. Mike’s quad. The Dean of Students then scourged Fields as hundreds of onlookers watched. By the time the ignominious student had been crucified, the crowd grew increasingly unruly, pelting him with rocks and horse manure while yelling various insults. But while most students turned on Fields, others sympathized with him, with fellow plagiarizers even lauding him as a martyr.
“I did some light cheating on my astronomy midterm, and that man gave me the strength to do it,” said one fellow St. Mike’s student, under the condition of anonymity.
The practice of crucifixion itself has drawn public criticism, as at least one movement to reform the college’s traditional punishment has already taken shape. In turn, the Dean of St. Mike’s has ordered a Crusade on such disobedient factions.
“This college treats academic integrity with the utmost severity,” said the Dean of Students in an official statement. “Some programs will slap you on the wrist––we would rather put a nail through it.”