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  • Sammy Edwards

Prudent Trin Student Plans Courses Around Weekly Ass-Kissings


While some students are perpetually ignoring all academic responsibilities, one go-getter has finally organized his course schedule around his most necessary extracurricular activity. Third-year Trinity College student Michael Young has efficiently chosen courses based on the times of organized ass-kissings that he both oversees and partakes in twice a week.


When asked about his ass-kissing regimen, Young keeps it straightforward:


“Before each session I will apply some protocol Juicy Girl lipstick, pucker up my lips, close my eyes, and go in. Now I know there’s a rather large elephant in the room that I need to address: ‘These gatherings can’t be safe! You must kiss thousands of asses every week!’ Worry not—I’ve already planned ahead and selected the nine professorial asses that will get kissed by these plump red lips. Department Heads get too much action; they’re off the agenda this year. ”


Young was kind enough to provide The Boundary with a rough diagram of his schedule. This is what a typical Tuesday or Thursday afternoon looks like for the brown-nosing socialite: 

A fun perk to all the ass-kissing that Young administers is the ability to bypass waitlists for Trinity College classes. In the upcoming semester alone, Young was able to get off the waitlist for TRN435: Advanced Cocaine, and TRN278: Micro-aggressions for “the Good Ones.”


Young is following a strict, study-based schedule like most of his peers. Shrugging nonchalantly, he held back a yawn and grumbled, “I don’t see what’s the problem with being upfront about what happens at these meetings. Don’t Rotman students just call them Networking Events?”


Photo Credit: Sammy Edwards

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper