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  • Daniel Golden

Psych Lecture Half Full/Half Empty



Half Full


As the 3rd week of the semester prances to a start, classes in every cheery corner of campus have witnessed an ever so slight decline in attendance. Such is the case with PSY209: Sunshine, Rainbows, and the Spectacular Capabilities of the Human Psyche. In spite of this stark drop off, couch enthusiast and course instructor Sigmund Piaget has expressed optimism that it is merely a passing phase.


“What my students are experiencing is nothing other than a momentary inability to go beyond the pleasure principle,” diagnoses Piaget, gulping down half a glass of water. “In my professional capacity as a maestro of the human mind, I believe that this penchant for tardiness will glide by like a baby through the oral stage of psychosexual development.”


While Piaget remains confident in the strength of his students’ superegos, his prognosis has been met with derision by many colleagues. “Dr. Piaget may be an expert,” projects graduate student Karen Skinner, “but the way he’s been talking screams BPD, wait no, ASD, or actually could it be ADHD. Gimme a sec I’ll consult the DSM.”


Piaget remains unfazed by the verdict of his fellow psychoanalysts. “My student will realise the importance of going to class, and even if they don’t, it's nothing a little positive reinforcement can’t solve.”



Half Empty


As the 3rd week of the semester teeters to a start, classes in each crumbling crevice of campus have witnessed an incurable decline in attendance. Such is the case with PSY208: Psychosis, Death, and the Destruction of the Human Mind. In the face of this stark drop off, Smiths fan and course instructor Erik Jung has expressed serious concern that this may very well be the end of the world.


“I fear that my students are embracing the death drive,” mopes Jung, dejectedly sipping half a glass of water. “If I’ve learned anything from Milgram, Zimbardo, and Asch it’s not to have faith in the humanity of subj- I mean students.”


Jung could not be less confident in the strength of his students’ superegos, and his tendency towards foreboding diagnoses has been met with derision by many colleagues. “Dr. Jung may be an expert,” rationalizes graduate student Phineas Maslow, “but the way he’s been talking screams Major Depressive Disorder, or maybe Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or perhaps Intermittent Explosive Disorder. Gimme a sec I’ll consult the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.”


Jung remains unfazed by the verdict of his fellow psychoanalysts. “My students are never going to realise the importance of going to class. It’s something even a weighty dose of negative reinforcement can’t solve.”


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