As we move toward lent, many of our Christian students get ready to observe Ash Wednesday. I never went to Sunday school, so I have no idea why they put ash on their foreheads. What this reporter does know, however, is that the priests didn’t go to art school and chose to disappoint their parents with religious studies, meaning a lot of them are fucked up looking.
Boundary sources reported that St. Michael’s College is going to up the ante for lent this year. “We really wanted to increase our ‘wow’ factor” says Dean Reginald Bartholomew. “Too many religions are getting all the spotlight. Sure, we promote multiculturalism, but we don’t want anyone forgetting we’re the right one”
On Wednesday morning, Peter Locke, a poorly performing student at the college, is scheduled to be cremated ahead of the celebration to source the ash this year. This move, while criticized for its adherence to human rights and the wellbeing and safety of students, is lowkey baller.
“We’ve had an issue with attendance recently,” Bartholomew continued. “The teachers launched an inquisition into the matter and found Mr. Locke not only had the lowest GPA, but also missed prayer last week, so we knew we had a perfect candidate.”
“I know for a fact no one’s gonna miss Locke,” an anonymous St. Mikes student told us. “Kid was a bummer, and there’s no way he was joining the clothe. Always talking about parties and stuff. The only party I’m ever going to is the one in paradise…or Queens hoco.”
In other news, if you or anyone you know is looking for a 2-month sublet of a shared dorm room on the beautiful St. Michael’s campus, a spot has opened up and is looking to be filled immediately. Please contact (647)-666-6666 for more detail.
Comments