- Jonah Wineberg
St. Mike’s Student Tries Drug, Immediately Sent to Hell
This fateful Tuesday night, second year St. Mike’s student Abraham Henderson was on his way back from a screening of The Passion of the Christ when a group of students offered him a marijuana cigarette. Feeling a little sinful and thinking it would be harmless, Henderson took one puff before the ground beneath him opened up and he was sent to the fiery depths of hell.
“I always knew this would happen eventually,” said Henderson’s peer from St. Mike’s. “Abraham was already pushing his luck by playing those evil video games and wearing his collared shirt with the top button undone. So shameful.”
The St. Mike’s administration has swiftly responded to the incident by mobilizing the in-residence nuns to locate and eliminate the reefer smokers who brought about Henderson’s plummet into the hateful inferno.
As Henderson suffers eternal damnation, he reports to The Boundary that he has had some time to reflect on his actions. “I know now that I should have stuck to more wholesome fun, like shoots and ladders, or Corn Flakes. I should never have gotten involved with that damned devil’s lettuce.” Unfortunately, for using profanity in his comments, Henderson has dropped to a deeper layer of hell, now unreachable even to The Boundary.
As of now, the crack leading to the flaming abyss still resides in the middle of St. Mike’s, serving as a helpful reminder to students of the true dangers of marijuana.