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Student's Dry January 'Sabotaged' by Warm PBR Under Bed

A local drunk is blaming his truncated 'Dry January' on the “irresistible allure” of a lukewarm can of PBR underneath his bed.


Back in December, fourth-year Robert Cohen told friends, family, acquaintances, cashiers, animals, and inanimate objects alike that come January, He, of all people, would be embarking on a spiritual quest to locate and embrace sobriety.



“I just wanted to be healthy and disciplined and saintly,” Cohen muttered to reporters out the window of his basement apartment in Leslieville.


"But then this can... started persuading me, talking to me," Cohen said, as audible gasps and puzzled expressions filled the space around him.


Cohen claims that his inner strength was - and remains - unflappable. He managed to go "around two weeks with no booze." And he maintains that this, in and of itself, was easy.


"Trust me, I could do this in February if I wanted to, but I just don't," Cohen said, with hints of fine hops and grains on his breath.


It was the PBR - specifically one spare can under his single bed - that derailed his Dry January. Not him.


Reporters around him nodded, understanding and sympathizing.


"Maybe next year?" Cohen added with a grin, before taking out a Cold One, cracking 'er open, and chugging it to much applause.

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper