- Sammy Edwards
Tinder Date Knows Less About Hedge Funds After Talking to Rotman Student
Casual dater Julia Greene revealed to reporters at her post-date press conference that she now knows less about hedge funds after a date with Rotman student Maxwell Pritchard. The business student milked every second of their ten minute meeting trying to flex his stock market savvy, completely butchering an explanation of the Reddit-Robinhood-GameStop situation.
“Crazy what’s been going on lately in the economy right?” said Pritchard, forcing Greene to engage with the subject that he failed twice in second year. The business student was met with a polite, “Yeah I guess. So what are some of your hob—”
Putting his hands behind his head, Pritchard promptly interrupted this “non-Rotman”:
“Alright so let me explain hedge funds to you in an accessible way. So, a hedge fund is like that big room filled with coins that Scrooge McDuck had in DuckTales. Now, any duck is allowed to throw some coins into that room and also dive into the pool of coins and swim in it. But some of the ducks are upset that they don’t live in Duckberg because it’s not easy to get there and take part in swimming in the pool of coins.”
Greene rolled her eyes discreetly while Pritchard paused to check out his hair from the reflection of a spoon. She tried to add; “From what I understand, it’s not really like that at a—” Pritchard chuckled.
“Sorry for laughing, it’s just… you didn’t realize I wasn’t done talking. Don’t worry, I can look past it,” he said with a sleazy wink.
At press time, Julia indicated that a second date was as likely as a Pritchard showering without taking off his Rotman backpack. Although Julia Greene certainly came out of her date with less finance knowledge than she did going in, she learned a lesson that you can’t put a price on: make sure to have “No Rotman bros” in your bio.
Photo Credit: Natalie Cader-Beutel