An otherwise lovely summer evening became a living nightmare for UofT student Brian Maxwell after he accidentally referred to his father as “Prof.” Maxwell has not been seen or heard from since the incident, and is presumed to have fled to the Balkans in hopes of leading a new life under a completely different identity. Said Maxwell’s guffawing father: “I can’t blame him.”
“It was utterly humiliating to watch,” added Tara, younger sister of the missing Maxwell (who has himself declined to comment in order to focus on his fresh start). “The initial reaction was laughter, obviously. Everyone laughed. Dad tried not to, but even he couldn’t hold back.”
“What a dork!” exclaimed Walter Maxwell, the emotionally, and now physically, distant father of Brian. “I get that he spends far more time around his professors than with his family, but that’s still no excuse.” The situation apparently took a turn for the worse when, after watching his entire family erupt in laughter, Brian peed “forcefully” in his pants and began loudly sobbing.
The incident has apparently led to a surge in bullying within the Maxwell household, even despite Brian’s departure. Brenda, mother of the Balkan-bound young man, has reportedly ordered dozens of customized t-shirts to their home with various messages printed on the front including ones that read, “I <3 OFFICE HOURS,” “TEACHER’S PET,” and “STUDENT 4 LIFE.”
Said Tara on her brother’s departure for Eastern Europe: “Let’s face it––he’s done here. His social life is finished. I don’t think he ever fit in with this family, but that was the last straw. He’ll have to try fitting in with a new one.”
The Boundary will continue to pursue Brian Maxwell’s whereabouts, as it is our journalistic duty to inform him of what a little dweeb he is.
Photo Credit: Louis Frank