University of Toronto students have been blessed with a ten minute grace period before each class, colloquially known as “UofT Time”. Some use it to grab a good seat in class, while others may use it to finish their homework at the last possible second. However, some students have become more creative between 10:00-10:10.
Jack Offelot is a third-year anthropology student, although his true passion is the art of masturbation. “I know everything there is to know about meat beating,” Offelot said over a meal of bratwurst and buttermilk. Offelot recently embarked on a new endeavor: to see if he has enough time to wax his rod in the brief margin of error that U of T time offers. “I gathered some of my fellow enthusiasts and we learned 10 minutes was all of the time that we needed.” For a while, it seemed like it might be a futile endeavor, “At first, we were taking too long to shake hands with the milkman. We had a recovery space with water and wrist massagers, but it didn’t seem to do any good.” Finally, they managed to beat the clock, and who better to do it than Offelot himself? “Boy, did it feel good to finally get it done. We naturally had planned a celebration if things went well, but we had to wait until after the completion of our tutorial.”
Wanting the time to be productive in more ways than one, Offelot donated the physical residue from the experiment to the Toronto Central fertility clinic. “Honestly, we might not even need any donations for the next couple of months.” Said clinic head Ivanna Kumm, “By our count, we have enough samples to fertilize every woman in the city!"
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