Resident Vic vegan, Andrea Berry, is well known for being outspoken about her “quirky” lifestyle and holier-than-thou attitude. Recently, however, she was struck with panic after discovering she was in fact full of meat — the flesh on her bones was apparently made of the stuff.
After explaining how she was vegan merely eighteen times in one tutorial, a record low, the student proceeded to claim that she was only made up of nutritious green matter. She stated, “I haven’t even looked at meat in the past year. If opposing meat means opposing myself, then dammit, I will morph into a tree. I’m basically made up of only leaves: kale, arugula, wee— I mean, grass.”
But, she was met with backlash by peers who explained that, as a human being, she was made of the same meat that she calls murder. Panicked and distressed by this realization, Andrea went into shock (unrelated to her daily iron-deficiency triggered faintings).
Many of Andrea’s non-vegan friends have expressed concern over her state. Her roommate explained:
“Normally, she’d be intruding on our good vibes with some vegan cult-shit, like only buying us Beyond Meat meatloaf, or claiming that our laptops weren’t farmed ethically. But, I haven’t seen her in days— not even stalking me in envy when I eat chicken nuggets, like she usually does. I’m honestly worried.”
Andrea is expected to recover once she takes BIO101 and understands what the human body is made of, so, never.
Photo Credit: Keah Sharma