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Artemis Fedorchuk

Well Adjusted First-Year Only Abusing One Substance

As appointments at accessibility services remain inaccessible and new guardrails are installed in the Robarts stairwell, many freshmen on campus are quickly realising that the full university course load also involves doing work for each course, which happens to be intense and time consuming. Most are not coping well as the first sub-85s show up on their transcripts.

“I mean, I could just flirt on Snapchat during my high school calc class and still pull a 94,” said Alison Gerald, a first-year statistics major at University College. “Now I’m expected to do at least three hours of independent work for every hour spent in class. What kind of crazy math is that?”

In order to deal with the overwhelm, many wannabe academic weapons are turning to less than savoury means. One of our correspondents collected urine samples from every student living at Burwash Hall, and found that the average resident has at least three different substances in their bloodstream at all times. 

However, one remarkable first-year seems to have been largely unaffected by the increased workload, and only depends on one sort-of-legal means of getting through her problem sets. Aster Fan, an aspiring chemistry major at Victoria College, is only snorting one handful of  crushed up Adderall a day to remain “locked in,” and is offering advice to other struggling freshmen.

“See, everyone’s first thought is, like, oh, it’s so hard, I’m like, so overwhelmed and stuff, and I just don’t get it. It’s, like, really not that hard once you, like… once you figure out what works… y’know, what works for you and stuff.” Fan said, trembling, her knuckles turning white from how tightly she was gripping the bottle of prescription medication that did not have her name on it. “Like, for example, I have this friend in engineering at TMU, and he didn’t end up needing his meds, so he sold them to me. They work great, even if I’m having heart palpitations and haven’t slept in 64 hours.” Fan stared blankly at our correspondent for about five minutes before continuing. “At least I don’t vape.” 

The interview was cut short when Fan became too distressed by all of the “spiders on the walls with ten billion eyes” and the “little green man who sits in the corner with the very nasty smile” to continue, but she has a 57 in MAT135–the highest grade in the course’s history–so we here at the Boundary think she must be doing something right. 

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