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  • Kyle Brickman & Will Stoecker

9 ‘Perfectly Reasonable’ Gifts to Keep Your Significant Other’s Expectations In Check


It’s that time of year again. Some love it, most hate it, but we all play along regardless. Valentine’s Day is the joyous holiday to express love and affection to your significant other, typically by means of exchanging a wide range of typical gifts, or graciously gifting each other with pedestrian intercourse in complete darkness.

The only underlying issue with this holiday of generosity, is burning out your displays of love too quickly. For example, Travis Scott recently surprised his girlfriend Kylie Jenner on her birthday by filling their home with thousands of designer rose bouquets and candles, amounting to a multi-million dollar tab. Although it was an amazing display of love and adoration, what the fuck is he gonna do for her birthday? Or Christmas?!

By all means, show your significant other how much they mean to you, but do it in a way that doesn’t fuck yourself over for the next time you have to deliver the same sentiment. To help you this Valentine’s Day, here are 9 ways to avoid flying too close to the sun, and pass the bar just enough to keep some gas in the tank for the (potential) long run.

1. One Rose vs. a Whole Bouquet from Metro

One rose will do at least 70% of what one entire bouquet does. Save yourself some money –– plus, it’s good for the environment!

2. Just a Single King–Sized Candy Bar

Cutting season is ever-so-quickly approaching, are you really gonna burden your significant other with the extra, unnecessary calories of a 30-pack of exquisite truffles and caramels? Get practical! Toss him a half-melted Hershey’s bar and call it a day. Maybe next year, toss him two. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

3. Who Needs a Hallmark Card When You Have All That Loose-Leaf Hangin’ Around

I’m sure you’re lovely mother raised you with the age-old sentiment of “a handmade gift is much better than anything you could ever buy,” or, “it’s the thought that counts.” Well let’s put that old bag’s ramblings to the test, as you make a very heartfelt Valentine’s Day card out of the paper from your high school notebook. Include all the sweet little disproportionate heart-shaped doodles you’re able to muster.

4. Ask for a 5-Day Extension, in Order to Celebrate at Hooters’ Tuesday Wing Night

What better way to tell your loved one “I’m hot and horny for you” than with a holiday rain check, agreeing to celebrate on Tuesday by taking advantage of Hooters’ unlimited chicken wings. Since the Fourth–Wave of feminism has yet to reach Hooters, visually undressing the staff right in front of your betrothed is perfectly acceptable, socially speaking. Has your S/O ever unironically spoken the phrase “I was born in the wrong generation”? Well fuck! If this isn’t the place for them! Celebrate the love you have for one another over a platter of killer wings in the middle of a place that feels like the Cold War hasn’t ended yet.

5. Sex Toys or Lingerie, with Little to No Knowledge of Your Girlfriends Size or Taste

Really want to test the waters of your 3-month-old res relationship? Skip all that Nicholas Sparks bullshit and cut right to the chase by getting your S/O some tickling tools and promiscuous clothing (or lack thereof). Do you know their size, or taste? Why the fuck would that matter?! Take a chance and get them the most aggressive sex toy paired with an offensively oversized “Slutty Nurse” lingerie set. From here on out, the recipient of the gift certainly won’t be expecting much from your future gifts.

6. Give Your Boyfriend That Turtleneck You’ve Always Wanted Him to Wear

Sure, he typically sports the classic dirty–sweatpants–paired–with–the–basketball–jersey look, but wouldn’t he look better in literally anything else? It doesn’t really matter if he likes it or not, he’ll wear it out tonight if he knows what’s good for him.

7. Give Her the Same Exact Heart-Shaped Necklace That Her Grade 8 Lover Gave Her

Nothing says “affordable lovin’” like the discount jewelry carousel at The Bay. Honestly, she’ll probably only wear it in your presence, or that “it’s too precious to be wearing out in public all willy nilly!” But she probably also told that to her lover from Grade 8, Trevor.

8. Primary School Valentine’s Card, Mini Tootsie Pop Included

Do you remember the little Valentine’s Day card from Rexall you would give to your primary school classmates? Probably plastered with either Transformers or Wizards of Waverly Place puns? Mom definitely has a few of those still kickin’ around in the desk drawer, so put them to use this year! If you want to make it a little spicier, slip in a poorly-lit, low-res nude to get those pheromones just barely flowing.

9. One Dick-Grab Will Go a Long Way

If you’re thinking of bringing your beloved to one of the finer dining establishments in town, we’ll warn you that it’s a pretty competitive environment. Every couple is putting on a whole show, gunning for the top spot for the most loving couple in the room. How do you and your sexual colleague survive in such a cut-throat market? Grab hold of that dong, baby! This is a move that asserts dominance and demands attention; the kinda move that’ll make other patrons say, “blink twice if you’re in danger.”


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