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  • Thomas Sider

No One Prouder of UofT Global Ranking than Accepted Student Yet to Attend Class

This past week, Quacquarelli Symonds (QS) released its 2020 list of the world’s top universities. The University of Toronto maintained its position as the highest-ranked university in Canada with the 29th spot globally, falling from last year’s position by one spot.

Despite UofT remaining in roughly the same position for the past ten years, students and alumni still manage to feign disbelief year after year. However, Haley Mills, who shared the annual rankings on UofT News was “genuinely surprised.”

“Oh, were we actually 29th?” Mills asked. “I just copy-and-pasted last year’s article and subbed out ‘28th’ for ‘29th.’ Things seemed just a little bit shittier this year. Guess I was right.”

One group not surprised by UofT’s ranking is students going into their first year at the University.

One recent Upper Canada College graduate, William Dink, was “not shocked at all” by the results. “Ask anyone. U of T is the best university in Ontario, in the country, in the frigging world,” Dink shouted, pausing to inhale from his Silky Strawberry Juul. “This is common knowledge. And I’m so proud that I get to benefit from everything U of T, the Harvard of the North, can offer: stellar mental health facilities; small class sizes; a safe, friendly Greek life that challenges Duke in its reputation for sick partying; the list goes on and on.”

McGill University, taking this year’s 35th spot, still looms just slightly behind UofT, with some saying they’re closing the gap. When asked if he had any fears that McGill might overtake UofT as Canada’s frontrunner in the rankings, Dink snorted profusely, temporarily losing consciousness :

“Are you kidding me? I didn’t even apply to McGill. It’s a school for losers! L-O-O-S-E-R-S! [...] And that gap’s only getting bigger and bigger, baby! Go Squirrels!”

The Boundary would also like to congratulate the University of British Columbia for showing up.

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