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  • Kevin Yin

NRA Proposes Arming Professors With Own Buckets of Feces

In light of recent fecal assaults at the University of Toronto and York University, the National Rifle Association has published an update to its National School Shield Task Force Proposal with a recommendation that professors in the GTA be equipped with their own "fully-operational pails of human filth."

Photo Credit: Ruven Samaraweera

The NRA says that these buckets would be "loaded," stored under desks, and unleashed on any future “Peepeepoopoo Man” at a moment's notice.

“Our thoughts and prayers are with the casualties of these senseless crimes. We sympathize with the families of the victims and our hearts are with the community. Nonetheless, we don’t think liberal media should jump to politicize this issue,” said an NRA spokesman on Wednesday morning.

“The facts are that this is about mental illness. It’s about how society treats the socially ostracized. And possibly it’s about an intestinal inflammation. But banning buckets of poop is not the solution," the spokesman continued.

The U of T Campus Conservatives released a statement praising the NRA’s new position on Wednesday afternoon.

“I’m a proud bucket-pooper, and law-abiding, poop-bucket wielder. It’s not fair that I should have to restrict my bowel movements to the bathroom just because some guy decided to spice up life at Robarts,” says Carson Wang, a second-year member of the club.

“The right to bear containers of shit is right there in the student handbook,” Wang pointed out.

Many other students have expressed support for the proposal. “The Peepeepoopoo Man never tried me because he knew he’d just get a taste of his own execrement,” says Abdul Sharif, grinning, while curling two weighty pails. “I don’t even wash nowadays because I know I might need to Dunk Some Dung on a guy if he’s talking to my girlfriend or looking at me funny or whatever.”

Editor's Note: Our correspondent did not shake hands with any individuals interviewed for this article.

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