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  • Linda-Ann Darby

Coke-Dealers Ineligible for CERB, London Economy Crashes


Federal Employment Minister Carla Qualtrough has rejected the petition filed by the City of London requesting the inclusion of coke-dealers in the government’s emergency benefit scheme. The petition, authored by London Mayor Ed Holder, called the “non-traditional business model” an “absolutely critical employer in the greater London area.”

The Boundary approached London native (and mid-level cocaine and amphetamine trafficker) Pauly “Thames-River-Swimmer” Lansky to comment on the fallout of the decision. We met in Lansky’s 2007 Acura TL, which he kept idling in a strip-mall parking lot for the duration of the ninety-minute interview.

Lansky confirmed many of the stats listed in Holder’s petition, including the City’s estimate that some 64% of Londoners list the trade of cocaine to Western students as their primary source of income. 


“The statistic is a bit off,” Lansky said, inappropriately scratching himself. “He says ‘Western’ students, but 90% of the gear I trade goes directly to the Ivey Business fuckers.”

“I don’t expect you boys to understand business terminology,” Lansky said, dripping lukewarm triple-triple on his H&M biker jacket. “But… I’ll put it this way. If I can’t serve those doped up kids with Jazzman’s Razz… I’m gonna be dicked. You know… financially dicked.”

We asked Lansky if he could provide the necessary proof of employment, receipts, and tax-returns required by CERB. Pulling out his phone, he proceeded to show us numerous DMs requesting him to “reach” HOCO, FOCO, the alley behind Ceeps, and the Sigma Chi house. Responding to the program’s request for his tax returns, Lansky scoffed and spat out his dip. 


“Tax-returns… never do ‘em kid… that’s how they got Big Al. They use that shit to track us.  Besides, even if I did do my taxes, why the fuck does CERB need it? Who do they think they are, the government?!”


Photo Credit: Spencer Gilbert

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The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper