Search
  • Joseph Strauss

Electoral College Ranked 2nd Most Outdated College After Trin



With the world zeroing in on the US election, many have voiced their displeasure with the country’s Electoral College system, citing a violation of the principle of political equality. Initially established in 1787, the Electoral College has undergone surprisingly few amendments. This lack of revision led to some confusion, and even disagreement, regarding the system’s second-place finish in the Journal of Outdated Colleges’ (JOC’s) annual ranking. Fortunately, The Boundary was able to reach out to 256-year-old Henry B. Snell––Editor-in-Chief of the JOC––to clear up the confusion.

“There’s a solid case for the Electoral College as number one,” Snell admitted. “I mean, back then it seemed fine. But we were less informed voters––in my town we just liked whoever’s name had a nice ring to it. Why else would I vote for Grover Cleveland?” After detailing numerous tangential stories about his quiet life in Maryland riddled with 19th century pop culture references, Snell added, “They still had slaves in the South, so a popular vote seemed kinda tricky––and that’s why 538 people presently decide the outcome of the American election.”


While Snell clearly recognizes the outdatedness of the Electoral College, he nonetheless stands firmly by the JOC’s decision to rank Trinity first. “I lived through it all,” says Snell, who moved to Toronto at the turn of the (twentieth) century.


“They used to have these secret societies and cults, and it looked like a lot of fun––I wasn’t allowed in because I was 138, but I always wanted to put on those robes.” Snell adds that the societies were often racist in their joke-making and discourse, but only “in like a 1904 way.” 


“But here’s what’s crazy: the cults are still running! It’s like Assassin’s Creed with a bunch of Anglican teenagers,” says Snell, who somehow knows about video games. “I’ve seen a lot in my life––war, famine, the entire existence of America as an independent nation, fifteen seasons of The Bachelorette––a lot. Sure, St. Mike’s puts up a good fight and there are a handful of good candidates out there, but Trinity and the Electoral College? Nothing brings me back to my childhood quite like them.”

555 views

The Boundary is the University of Toronto's Satire Paper