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Heart-Warming: COVID Denier Transforms Into Believer After I Sneeze On Them


Pictured (left to right): Reid Simmons pre-sneeze, Reid Simmons post-sneeze.


Reid Simmons, a staunch COVID denier and devoted Arby’s supporter, was recently biting my ear off on the 510A Spadina streetcar. He believed masks were as useless as bringing a fun attitude to a UC party, and he “couldn’t wait” to shake hands with every patron he passed in the Arby’s bathroom.


After ten minutes of thinking to myself, “Ok we’ve definitely passed Ripley’s Aquarium already,” I offered my own rebuttal to Simmons in a last ditch effort to convince him that COVID is still very real. So naturally, I pulled down my mask, turned to face Reid’s cocky, Arby’s-loving mug, and sneezed right into his open mouth.


Simmons was so captivated with what I had to spray, a strange look came across his face that I had never seen in my entire half hour of knowing him: a look of reason. He asked, “Are you insane? What the fuck man, are you trying to give me…” I held my breath in anticipation for the next word to come out of the anti-masker’s obtuse mouth “... COVID?”


I couldn’t believe it. By Boy George, that same Reid Simmons who was once burning schoolyard children’s masks had magically transformed into a COVID believer, coincidentally after I let a month’s worth of mucus rip on his face.


Tragically, Simmons’ miraculous metamorphosis into a decent human being seemed to be the exception and not the rule. Later, I tried to replicate my earlier success on an ignorant couple I encountered in the Ripley’s Aquarium bathroom, but alas, my nice hearty achoo was to no avail. Nevertheless, on I shall go to Queen’s Park.


Photo Credit: Joseph Strauss

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