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  • Joseph Strauss

Op-Ed: COVID Numbers are the Highest They’ve Been Since June—and So Am I

I’ll be honest, folks: things are looking bad. An outbreak here, a spike there. It’s become clear that the second wave is on its way. Every day, the numbers are just getting higher and higher––but so am I.

I still remember June 29th like it was yesterday. There were 257 new cases in Ontario that day––an improvement compared to now, but still high enough that I sparked up a jumbo-sized joint before I even hit ‘Snooze’ for the fourth time. By lunchtime I was edibles-deep into my daily regimen, and in the evening I hit bowls for frontline workers while everybody else clapped. Good God, was I ever zoinked.

As the days went by, the numbers dwindled down to the point that I hardly even felt the need to indulge in my old routine. What even motivated me in the first place, I’m not entirely sure––or, rather, I’m not entirely sure I want to admit. I could tell you it was a way of coping with the uncertainty, with the sudden loss of control I and everybody else had been faced with. That sounds nice, sure, but the words don’t feel right as I type them. No, it’s about something else, something less wholesome and more competitive.

You see, everywhere the headlines are the same: “COVID numbers are so high!” “Pandemic on the rise!” “Cases in Ontario sky-high!” Well, you know what? COVID isn’t the only thing getting high––I am fucking plastered! You think COVID numbers were high in May? Please. On May 22nd alone, I got taken to the hospital four times after multiple green-outs and a slew of public vomiting. I was so high I thought a pigeon was my son. But did the news cycle care? Were people live-tweeting about me? Of course not.

So numbers are back on the rise. The second wave is coming and, predictably, news outlets and scientists will be warning you that nothing has ever been higher than these coronavirus numbers. But know this: I’m still out here. And the mainstream media may not give a damn, but I will be so mind-blowingly high that the COVID numbers are gonna look like we flattened the curve. 

Photo Credit: Evan Wheeler



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