Misty-eyed, Johnson revealed that his leap day birthday made childhood extremely difficult.

“I mean sometimes I wore it on my chin as a fashion statement. But it didn't bring out my features, so I thought it was just best not to."

Thousands of lost and scared students submitted their censuses in hopes that somebody, anybody, could tell them where the fuck Room F283 is.

Many are concerned about players not trying––one statistics professor remarks that every player sits on the bench at least once per game.

Already under construction, the Circle will remain off-limits, enraging students, staff, and intramural Quidditch stars alike.

Musk, who usually spends his weekends plunging into mounds of gold coins while spreading medical disinformation, is ecstatic about the gig.